The CIA is getting into the Instagram game

Posted On: May 15th, 2019

The CIA is getting into the Instagram game – what might that look like?

The Central Intelligence Agency announced this month that it will soon be opening an Instagram account. The agency’s Instagram presence follows a surprisingly popular Twitter account that boasts over 2.5 million followers. Tweets are one thing, but posting photographs on Instagram is a whole other ball of wax.

During a speech at Auburn University, CIA Director Gina Haspel was fantastically vague about what types of photos we can expect the CIA to post. She explained that the agency’s goal on Instagram is to “be as open as we can, and to protect the secrets that we must protect.” For some reason, that made us giggle.

We couldn’t help but wonder what would happen if the Secret Agents in charge of the CIA’s Instagram account somehow missed the last part of Director Haspel’s mandate – and instead thought their directive was to simply “be as open as we can.” While we’re all for protecting national secrets, here are the top 4 things we’d like to see the CIA post on Instagram.

#1: Still shots from the pee-pee tape

Like him or hate him, President Donald Trump will likely never escape the rumor that Russian spies caught him in a hotel suite paying prostitutes to urinate on a bed previously slept in by President Obama. If those tapes do exist and they’re going to make their way to any U.S. Intelligence Agency, it would almost certainly be the CIA.

Wouldn’t it be hilarious if the agency’s Instagram page had pictures of the president standing behind a clear plastic sheet to avoid run-off? Or maybe a picture of Barack and Michelle Obama actually sleeping in that bed on some earlier date – to prove Trump’s alleged motivation for the waterworks?

The possibilities are endless but we’ll let your mind wander on its own from here on out.

#2: Area 51 alien action shots

Imagine if the CIA started posting its most secretive photos from the infamous Area 51. Imagine further that the rumors about this remote part of Edwards Air Force Base in Nevada are true – and that the U.S. government has been storing UFOs and captured aliens there for decades.

If that happened, surely the government wouldn’t just cage the aliens, right? If there’s a bunch of them, maybe they try to teach them skills, like folding laundry or half-court basketball. Perhaps they have alien bike races or alien marching bands. The truth is, Area 51 has been top secret since at least the Vietnam War era. Anything could be happening in there.

#3: Spy-cam humor

If what we’ve seen in the movies is true, the CIA has the ability to take pictures of just about anything from space. If you think about it, that’s a pretty unique perspective – literally looking down from the heavens.

What if the CIA agents in charge of satellite imagery held annual contests to see who could put together the best-themed photo albums from space? They might include things like “Best Bald Heads in the World,” “Biggest Covert Pot Farms,” or “Scariest Things to Jump Out of Remote Parts of the Ocean.” Once again, the possibilities are endless.

#4: The moon landing TV set

One of the greatest things about the internet is its ability to feed and grow conspiracy theories. One of our favorites is that the whole U.S. moon landing thing that happened in 1969 was pure fiction. We’ll let you go down your own YouTube rabbit hole to decide what you believe. But if the conspiracy theory is true, we bet the CIA has some killer photos.

For example, what if the agency’s super-secret photos reveal that Apollo 11 was really made out of aluminum foil and paper mache? Or that Neal Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin were just two out-of-work, D-List actors the CIA found in Los Angeles?

We could literally play this game all day but we have to get back to work. We’d like to hear from you though. If the CIA could post anything on Instagram, what would you like to see?

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